it's been seventeen weeks since i said goodbye to freedom. and to reward myself for (what i believe to be) hard work, the boy and i made a trip down to my favourite brand in the world. same old brand, same style as my old one, but a brand new colour from S/S10 (: so incredibly in debt right now. however, i feel like it's worth it cos i really need something to mark the end of my first semester as a college student. wow i feel so old. seems like just yesterday we were at the back row of the school bus, poking fun of the old teacher with the funny permed hair who had the habit of removing her shoes. back when we were 10. and we looked up to secondary school students for being so grown-up and matured.

got a postcard from all the way in berkeley, california today. and what michelle said in her note was so poignant. I realised that i no longer have a good friend (especially one who has been in the same school as me since primary school) who i can see everyday. everyone's dispersed all over the world. sure, i love the people around me now, but they haven't gone through some of the toughest periods of my life. they didn't watch me grow up, as i did for them. and that ..kinda sucks.

sitting outside the steps of the train station, opposite Shilin Night Market, huddling a styrofoam bowl and indulging in mango snow ice.
21st November 08 - a day a girl will never forget
seated at Wan Chai stadium watching my sister jump.
polishing off half of the freshest sashimi boat ever with my dad, in a tiny Tokyo hotel
wandering alone around Central, heading back to Wan Chai, grabbing a fish kebab for dinner.
Paris Disneyland: eating BBQ ribs cos my dad wanted to - still feel like gagging nearly a year later
Shanghai, the underground ride of the Pearl Tower
Colorado - playing with the kittens with Sharan
Sydney's apartment and Michelle's birthday 'cake'
the three storey H&M in London
Prague's market with the little wooden toys
the train ride up Jungfraujoch..

every hour of studying brings 5 minutes of memories. I feel like another trip to Taiwan is necessary (there must be a y-tian magnet lying at the top of Taipei 101), frolicking around some Disneyland (doesn't matter which, any one will do), rolling around in snow while resembling a bundled up penguin.. but for many reasons i shan't disclose, i'm gonna stay here this December, waiting for loved ones to be back from everywhere. let's hope the 1 month and 8 days will be good.

everyday, i get reminded in a new way how awful i am. and crumb by crumb, my self-confidence dissolves. a year ago, on this very date, i was in Taiwan, celebrating my daddy's birthday. we had Japanese teppanyanki for dinner because he wanted to. it was in an underground restaurant in Ximending, empty except for our family and the two staff. a very quaint place. a year later, my daddy came all the way down to hall to bring me lunch, and i forgot that it's his birthday. and i know his biggest wish is for me to get first class honours, but some grades i've been getting back.. aren't good enough for that. i need straight As, but.. i'm not getting that. my biggest fear is disappointing the people around me, and everyday, i do that because i'm not good enough.

somehow, each time after i cry, i feel exhausted yet relieved. and motivated again about life. maybe that's what keep babies living - crying.